It actually hurts me a little to realize how out of touch I had been with my JC class. It's like only me pulling away but the others are still as close. Sometimes I do feel bad for it, but everytime I want to strike up a conversation with one of them, I could not find any topic, any words. The only things I could write or type was 'Hello', 'Long time since we talked', and I would be speechless again when the replied. I wish I could have casual conversations with them just like that, but it's just so difficult for me. I feel a little broken inside whenever I see such happy conversations appearing on twitter or facebook between them. Sometimes even a little jealous. Just because I know I can never be like that.

Tearing because of this seems so laughable, since it can only be my fault. It's been years since I told myself to try not to depend on people, because when they leave you, you just fall down so hard and leave wounds that would not heal. But until know, I still know that deep inside I still need someone that I can depend on, and even though I try to eliminate this feeling, it still comes back to haunt me occasionally.

Oh right. Being 21 this year probably doesn't even mean anything to me. I guess it will be the usual family dinner on the day itself. I ever wished for a birthday party, or at least a day where I can enjoy, a day where I feel more happy than usual. I wish for presents, not a lot, but just some, best if these were things I wanted. I wish for something special to happen. I wish for a memorable day. But this probably would not happen. Nobody reads this blog anyway. Nobody cares.

Somehow I just can't wait to go Taiwan for SEP, away from people I know so that I don't need to put on this mask everyday. This mask that I hate because it makes me superficial, it makes me a hypocrite.

Funny, isn't it? It's only the second week of vacation. I'm supposed to feel happy and enjoy the free time I have, but I'm here with all these dislikable emotions...